Picking up the pieces lost along the way

Had an urge of listening to Backstreet Boys these few days... so, I finally put the CD of their album into my beloved Hi-Fi...

"I'll never break you heart. I'll never make you cry..." Seems like I've lost such fantasy towards love. When have I started to let go those dear romantic thinkings and to rationalize the feeling of sacrificing? Feeling a bit lost... Am I looking forward to stepping into another stage? Or, am I still clinging tightly onto the edge of my youthful and innocent years? Things happen too fast... No turning back - really? Am I having an urge to find my true self? Or, am I ready to live for others?

Seems like I still want to defend myself, even in a love relationship. I'm calculating benefits and losses I have in the relationship, trying my best to avoid losses and maximize benefits. I don't want to share too much with my partner, esp. money and material possessions. Even when I share, I feel so unwilling. I still want to save some private little universe for myself. It's hard to give this up even this can help the two of us get closer.

And where am I heading to? Marriage? Seems too soon. Killing time? I don't feel comfortable to do this. Where am I going? What's my direction? Should I depend on him? Am I asking too much? Am I asking too fast?

The Hi-fi is playing "Let's Have A Party" when I type this sentence. I can say at this point - I don't want to bear anyone's burden, not even mine.